There is nothing wrong with my chocolate cake

"Don't make the American chocolate cake, it's too heavy, no one can eat more than two bites."  

IT'S A FUCKING BUTTERLESS SPONGE CAKE.  IT IS FLUFFY LIKE A FUCKING SPONGE.  It's the same style of cake as the inside of a Prinzregententorte except some of the flour has been replaced with cocoa powder.  It has baking powder *and* baking soda *and* bubbly beer to make BUBBLES IN THE BATTER.  BUBBLES ARE NOT HEAVY.

I can eat a third of it in a single evening if I'm sitting home alone, which is why I only make it for sharing. But everyone just bitches about it.

"How about the German apple cake? It's easy to eat, everyone liked it."

THE GERMAN APPLE CAKE WAS A FUCKING BED OF CEMENT SMEARED WITH BABYFOOD AND TOPPED WITH GRAVEL. I choked on every fucking bite.  It wins points for having half a kilogram of butter, but contains no leavening agents at all, and 300% fewer eggs than are necessary to make a baked bar chewy. Under the pinch of cinnamon in the gravel, it's a flavorless soggy (thanks to jarred applesauce--why the fuck is this on top instead of baked inside?) dense, rock of flour.  Soggy rocks. I don't even know how the fuck someone invents soggy rocks, nevermind convinces everyone that they desire to eat them.

"You didn't like it? Maybe put some cream on it next time."

Cream cannot help that bitch.  You could maybe save it with a quart of soft-serve (per slice) and a blender, but you're still going to throw away the chunks of gravel in the bottom of your cup.

Maybe tequila chasers, so you forget how awful it was.


So officially, I'm all "Germany! Cakes! Yeah!" but in reality German cake culture really annoys the shit out of me. They can't just enjoy something sweet, there must be nutritional content. And they can't just pick 2-3 complimentary flavors to savor, they throw the whole produce department in it.  Raspberry-Apricot-Joghurt-Lemon-Kiwi-Carrot-Hazelnut-Pear-Walnut-Pomegranate-Almond-Butter-Mint-Apple-Chocolate-Strawberry Torte, with a pie crust bottom (only the bottom) and a drizzle of caramel on the top. The "apricot" is only a creepy film of wetness between the hazelnut cement and the almond cement, but you can't leave it out, or replace it with a second helping of raspberry.  Or just eat a fucking real apricot instead of pretending a half teaspoon of apricot jelly in a slice of cake is a vital source of vitamins. 

I like American cake culture. Cake is easy and fun, and we don't try to rationalize it with unnecessary fruits.  There's nothing wrong with a slice of chocolate sponge cake with chocolate frosting and maybe some sort of candy garnish.  Cake does not *need* to be a complete balanced meal that took six hours to assemble and still looks like a sandbox (six hours for *decorating* for an occasion is different than six hours for *putting it in the pan* for a Monday afternoon).  Chocolate cake, banana cake, chocolate-banana cake--all excellent choices.  Chocolate-Banana-Blueberry-Lime-Toffee-Maracuja with strawberry slices and balsamic, fucking forget it.

BAH.

Oh, and the next time someone calls an Apple Pie that I have made "Apfelkuchen" I will stare at them with my stupid-cow face until they fix themselves. Pies are not cakes! Cakes are easy and fun! Pies are serious!  (If you called a Middle Eastern dessert "Kuchen" after they told you how it's called in their language you would be committing a hate crime, but that's a rant for another day.)